2011, Hello

It has been a bumpy year in 2010. Great memories with great challenges. I'm not feeling excited nor am I feeling depress with the coming of a new year.

However, as I see other people's lives through FB, BBM, and other social networks, I am happy that most of my friends have enjoyed 2010! I am truly happy for them! In fact, their happiness makes me feel happy, and makes me think, yea 2010 is not too bad at all.

Sorry for my choice of words, I'm not an eloquent writer.

So for 2011;

I wish my life would be better, so do I wish for my family's lives, my friends' and for everyone with a BIG heart out there.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 EVERYONE!

The End

Some people are blessed with the skill to take it easy.. Despite having problems, these people can go to work as usual, concentrate, and deal with the problems later, or not at all. I wish I can do that, because here I am now at home feeling miserable and giving silly excuses to superiors.

Here's a thought that my stupid head can't stop thinking about; Do you actually love someone in the first place if you say "I have no feelings for you anymore" everytime you fight with your partner? Why is it easy for you? Your anger has always overcome the best of you when things are not ok. I can take the fights, which couple don't fight? But I find it impossible to take the words.

I have been a bad girlfriend, but I am certainly not as bad as what you have judged me. Given true demonstration of love and time, I am someone very able to learn from mistakes.

Reflecting at myself, I hate the state that I am now. Loving someone means I grow to depend on my partner, and this means being affected if something is not right. 6 months into working life, I am still not accustomed to separating personal and professional life. I am in a mess because I am a mess. My room is messy because my head is messy. My work is messy because I am messy. Gosh. Only God knows how much this hurts and how much I am trying to stay strong.

I miss being independent.

I hope your words are true though, because the mourning phase has started, I don't want to turn back because I'm too tired to do that over and over again.

Eat, Pray, Love

Who says Eat, Pray, Love is a boring movie? Yes, it is a slow movie, but one filled with a meaningful mesage of the importance of praying. That's the beauty of the movie. It stressed out on the emptiness one is filled with when you don't take the time to address yourself and God. In this movie, praying means meditating, where Liz had to go to 3 countries and 2 break-ups to find herself. She seemed lost and going through life aimlessly before she started to meditate.

I can say meditation is another word for perseverance. Why does being a muslim require us to pray 5 times a day. It is because it is our basic need, of which if we don't comply, we could, not will (because only if God wills), we could end up like Liz, filled with emptiness and sorrow.

5 times a day to cleanse the our face, arms, forehead, and feet as well as our soul and to persevere, to communicate with God, despite our hectic schedule. Why? To express our gratitude for our lives, to express our worries and doubts, but most of all, to find a balance.

That's what I think. Eat, Pray, Love tells about the importance of praying. It may speak in a different language and form than Islam, but its concept is the same. Think about it.

Bubbles Bubbles Bubbles

• I believe everyone thinks about themselves, their lives, their loved ones, their money. Thinking is integral to growing up. It makes us persevere, change, regret, laugh, and cry. In fact, everyone knows what I'm talking about here, through thinking. As a Virgo, I was always told and "predicted" that I think a lot, sometimes too much. Yes, they are right.

• This post is driven by the current situation in my love life, haha nothing new. Full of drama? Correct.

• The guys in my life have helped me evolve. Each and every one of them are very distinct and I must say, even with the heartbreaks, I am glad I have the chance to get to know them.

• My first love showed that I was very domineering and demanding. I was pushy and clingy. I was a perfectionist, expected everything to be perfect. That relationship ended because of me.

• So my second (very challenging relationship), I became subtle, constantly finding myself listening to what he had to say, and following his lead. I liked it. I finally knew that I want my partner to guide me, not the other way around. He has been my bestfriend as we share the same passion towards cars. Both of us are very serious individually, but when we are together, we can be spontaneous like 2 bestfriends. He calls me his angel. However, it ended because I didn't believe in long distance relationship anymore, and at times his dominance made me feel trapped under his rules.

• Then there comes my third relationship. 2 years older, a US grad engineer, who is very kind-hearted and passionate about properties =). But the problem was ME. My feelings for him subside, I suddenly do not know what I want and no longer see marriage as an exciting path. I used to think that 23 is a nice age to be in a serious relationship, planning to be engaged and married, but now I am back at Square One.

• All this are due to my thinking. No doubt I have changed a lot. I have INTENTIONALLY tried to become a girl, which guys would be comfortable with: a girlfriend, a good listener and support system, and a follower instead of a leader. But it is not to my advantage. The more I get to know guys, the more I am tired of relationships, and the more confused I am. I think a lot when I drive, on the 8 hour flight whilst everyone is sleeping, in my bed before I sleep and in the middle of the night.

• The same question remains from my first relationship: What do I really want that is enough?

Hefty

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,

(Anna Nalick - Breathe)

Family

What is it like to have one's own family? (Ok terasa mcm Carrie Bradshaw opening line kejap! lol!)

Ok..ehemm..ehheemmm..

I see my uncle who were once never seemed ready to settle down, now having a family of his own.

I see my uncle n aunty who had to get divorced to realise they still love each other, hence tied the knot for the 2nd time.

I see my aunty adopting a perfect baby as her own daughter..

It seems like yesterday when they were still young and singles. But judging from the WHEN'S YOUR TURN questions i got from yesterday's family gathering, I can feel my time is coming when they are eager to watch me in turn.

To me it is about having a perfect relationship, the one with the physical and chemical attraction as well as Respect for each other. But I must admit it is hard to sustain one. I guess it is about finding a balance, tolerating your partner's weaknesses while eliminating your own, hoping your partner will do the same.

As happy as I am, there are many questions I need to answer to myself before I embark on this family journey, because when I do, I want it to be a PERFECT one.

Yea, I am a dreamer.

Angry

Somebody catch me please!

Peace

• I am never a saint, always a sinner.
• I always cry, as I am weak.
• I am always tested, of which many times I have failed.
• I always repent, but repeat.
• But with the sins, the cries, the tests and repent, there has been always my fear of Him, and I thank Him for blessing me with this.
• I promise I won't give up on myself. Because even at the edge of a cliff, I know letting myself fall would be the biggest mistake of all.
• Syukur for having those who still love me for who I am..who are always present with their judgment absent. Thank You.

Debts

• Hello. I am a 23-year old STUDENT. I have not started earning my own income. I rely on my monthly allowance from my father to support my lifestyle. I recently asked for a Blackberry from my father, who granted me with the budget to buy the phone. Trying to be a decent daughter, I therefore do not want to ask for my monthly allowance for 2 months, to compensate for the purchase of the new phone. Subsequently, I now live on my mother's discretion to give me weekly cash to survive and my mother's supplementary credit card for petrol, bills, and other errands.

• HOWEVER, I have RM400 worth of MBSA summons to be paid by 7th May 2010 before my name will be blacklisted in Bank Negara's Credit Control Reference Information System (CCRIS), and though I recently charged RM150 for Maxis Bill on the credit card, my phone is now barred because I have exceeded my credit limit of RM200. Furthermore, the credit card statement showed that I had charged more than RM800 for the past month because I decided to shop for interview attires on top of the errands. I am now unable to call out, SMS, nor enjoy my Blackberry internet services, and worse would suffer the possibility of not getting any loans approved in the future because I have no money to not blacklist my name.

• The conclusion:
• My expenses have totaled up to RM1400 (RM400 + RM200 + Rm800)
• I have absolutely no money to even do anything else.
• This means I have to ask for my monthly allowance from my father, but I am just too guilty to do so.
• DEFEATS my purpose of not asking for monthly allowance.
• I wish I am working NOW.
• I am depressed.
• My boyfriend is somehow in this inaccessible mode, that I can't confide in him.

Cloud Nine

S: If i jadi lebah u jadi apa?
D: Flower kan..?
S: If i jadi bulan?
D: Hurm..i'll be...
I tak leh jadi bumi
Nanti i control u
hehe
I jadi apa syg?
S: U jadi kawah la syg
U'll be the beauty attached around me.
If i jadi bintang?
D: If u bintang, i jadi mmm...
Bintang means planets yg jauh2 tu kan
So i jadi black hole lah
I TRAP U!!
S: U're funny
Kenapa tak jadi tahi bintang
So we can move across the universe together
D: I fikir nak jd tu jgk.. shooting star
Ok Mr. Jiwang..
S: Yes Ms. Sensitive
D: If i jadi clouds, u?
S: I jadi Nine
D: Hahaha..wow u're good..
If i jadi sofa?
S: I jadi ass. Ahaha..can enjoy ur company very much

And the conversation went on... This is priceless... I feel like I'm blessed.

Reflect

• 2 years ago I was told I could find a better guy. Those who told me include his own sisters. I did not believe them even for a bit. Too emotional, too distraught, i clinged on to good memories, hoping those memories will be re-lived.


• 1 year ago (until now actually), I am hated and being called a liar and a psycho for loving my bestfriend's ex. To be hated and to be called a psycho have left permanent scars and have kept me depressed for quite some time.


• Now, I am in a position I never thought was possible. My family could not be happier and my soul has never been healed better.


• ALHAMDULILLAH, All Praise to Allah.

Embarrassed!

Sometimes I am too optimistic of happiness that reality checks would smack right at my face.

Sometimes I expect people to understand my good intentions at face value.

Sometimes I am just plain STUPID.

I had just made a total fool of myself.

My Father

1. Does your father has three wives?
2. Does your father drive 240km/h when you are in the car with him?
3. Does your father let you drive his M6 at 180km/h?
4. Does your father buy you a Mini Cooper when you were 21?
5. Does your father let you be his co-driver on the Sepang Circuit?
6. Does your father treat you and each of your siblings at Victoria Station every birthday?
7. Does your father give you free hugs and kisses in public?
8. Does your father let you invite your boyfriend on family holidays?
9. Does your father pay for the hotel bill for your celebration of a dear friend's bachelorette night?
10. Does your father listen to you like a friend and can accept your criticisms constructively?

My father is all of the above, and as much as I can be angry towards him at times, I appreciate the unique traits that he has. He is a very cool, kind-hearted, generous, lovable, and helpful guy you will ever meet.

For this, I truly hate those people who have lied to him, those who have taken advantage of his generosity by embezzling his money, adding worries to his very much complicated life. I know exactly who you are, how can you do this to a guy who has trusted you?

I feel like naming the names of the three of you just to make you feel ashamed of yourselves when you google your name, but I know my father would not even consider doing it even if it was the only solution.

Abah, I love you so much. I hope everything will be ok.

Vanity

I have BIG and MESSY hair. Considering chopping them off. The only reason that has been restraining me is dance routine, where I would actually like my hair flippin here and there.

My current mood is like the rain pouring outside. I feel gloomy but very comfortable in my bed. I think I just want to continue to hide under the blankets to escape from all the assignments and presentations falling due next week.

The only things that are keeping me sane and feel very much a living human being, and not a skeleton of an aspiring accountant, are his calls and dance practice for graduation dinner.

Nice.

Weekendless Fun

• So many words, so little time. Gasping for time to write. I can feel words having a massive traffic jam in my head. Have to have to have to find time to get rid of the bottleneck!

• 3 weekends filled with Finishing School Programme. Although very tiring, I'm thankful to my amazing faculty for organising this 2 saturdays 2 sundays programme. Syukur sangat2 because I get to submit my resume with little effort of applying for the companies separately, mainly because our syllabus just don't let us have the time for it. They come to us at one time, instead of us finding time to go to them individually! So far, resumes have been submitted to Deloitte, KPMG, Ernst and Young, and Petronas, and alhamdulillah, I have been shortlisted for all. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. =)))

• So for the 3rd weekend with academic activity, I was responsible to be the emcee for this "MIA President as the VIP" seminar. Not to brag but to just show how intimidating it was PRIOR to the seminar, until the minute the president and I had to talk privately to re-confirm his background profile, he turned out to be a laid-back guy, so phewhh... But being an emcee for half a day is no joke, it was tiring, and minor glitches add to the jitters, no doubt. It had been long since I have to speak in front of a big audience FORMALLY, so yea, it brings back good memories too.

• Lastly, no weekends mean no time to catch up on studies, assignment and personal life. Unfortunately, being quite a socially-inclined person, the correct order would be personal life --> assignments --> studying. Hehe. I would squeeze time for fun BEFORE heading to the books. So my only weekend day yesterday was spent outside. Thank God the world is still fun. Haha. I went jogging with him in my bid to burn the double-chin and extra belly fat, and although I was embarassed for only covering a quarter of the track (damn you stamina), we had good Coffee Bean session, taking pictures with our new laptops (webcams), and just enjoying the weekend morning. It felt like a short holiday - the jogging, the frapucinno and caesar salad, newspaper-reading, being in each other's company, laughing. I have never felt like this before with a guy. I have never felt this safe (OOOhhhh..happy tears are coming..). He might be THE ONE. I hope he is the one. All fate lies in Allah's powers, but when it is right, it feels right. =)
  
• After, we went for banana leave rice (So much for jogging, but i ate a little, like really sikit! yeay!) and later in the afternoon wanted to watch the Hot Air Balloon show but ended up under one umbrella under the heavy rain. All was good..for some reason. Everything felt good. For dinner, he wanted me to meet his friends, but arrived too late that the friends have all gone back..haha. Thank God TGIF was still open, so it was just him, me, and ManUtd v. Liverpool game. No worries, no regrets. Slept at 1 am.
  

• So today, I am skipping all 2 classes to finish my assignment and to find time to do the Petronas online maths, IQ, and EQ tests..huhuhu.. when I could have just finished yesterday, but being me, I think being out and about after 3 weeks of no weekends, was all WORTH IT. Oh, and it is my first day of menses today. I was surprised because I didn't have any PMSs before today. Could that be a sign that I am super duper happy?? Hehehehehe...Alhamdulillah. Phewwhh..there I let it out. =) Back to WORK!!

Facebook

Beyond the conventional advantages of Facebook, such as as a comprehensive social networking medium, I have found it very advantagous when stalking people to:

• not be complacent about our own bodies. Sometimes when we don't look at other people, our eating habits tend to run wild. We will satisfy every temptation on food because we only see our own bodies. Yes, we are surrounded with people, but we don't tend to compare ourselves with friends while engaging in daily routines in that sense, at least not me. So when we're alone in our room with time to kill and thus explaining the stalking on Facebook , we see people, including our own friends, post prettily and stylishly in pictures, and we will realise, Gosh! we're fat and unattractive, hence compelling us to do something about it.

• This is vanity, self-indulgent, and maybe ungrateful, but it is what I feel. I can be slimmer. You can be slimmer. Being slim does not necessarily makes us pretty but it is the enhanced self-confidence from being slim that makes us feel PRETTY. =D So no more rice for me, at least not for a month!

Where did my tank go?

I have strong inclination to write, now at this moment. There is so much in my head, so many thoughts have passed where I would say "Ok, i will write about this later when I have the time", but now when I do have the time, I am just an empty pipe. =((

WHERE DID MY TANK GO?

Ba da ba ba da ba ba ba

Paramore - Brick by Boring Brick

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be

PS: Dance to this song and its lyrics please! =D

Final Semester

• Three random Class ACB8A students wearing baju kurung and our matching crocs on the first day of this January 2010 semester. Even though we're final semester students, we still get excited on our first day that we even made the effort to match our baju kurungs with the colour of our shoes, and this was purely coincidental.

• Hoping for a GREAT semester ahead! (Notice the matching font colour too? Hehe.)
  
  

Avatar

• I see you.

• It's another way of saying the scared three words, Avatar way. It simply means "I can feel what you feel..". In a more tense situation, it means "I will fight with alongside you, no matter what..". How romantic...romantic in its simplest of forms.

• Definitely a must-watch sci-fi movie.
  

Sleepless Night

• I am terribly sleepy but my mind has been like 3 choo-choo trains colliding into one another these past 2 days. My dad's beemer was stolen at a hotel valet parking yesterday (ok, i've lost track of time, it was on Friday and now it is supposed to be a 2am Sunday already). Yes it is just a car and I'm thankful that it is a "thing" and not a person, but its our "Hak" (belonging). Our hak has been taken from us as a result of other people's negligence. I know everything happens for a reason - this is maybe a wake-up call to my dad that anything we own can be taken away from us anytime, anywhere. All it takes is a little whisper of Kun Fayakun of the AlMighty. However, we are still breathing and the material costs are ours to bear. Loan repayments have to be made still, and insurance does not cover negligence, thus all measures have to be considered to obtain compensation. If we have go back and forth to the courts, so be it. Game on Prince Hotel and Residence!!

• This is excluding the FACT that we love the car. I LOVE THE CAR. It's a collector's items. How many white BMW M6 can you find in the world??? (Mode: Materialistic). Attachment issues also have to be considered. This indeed adds to the frustration and thus another train in my head. Flashes of images of the car not being taken care of, of the Godforsaken thief and his accomplices driving the car like crazy because it's not theirs, of them enjoying its M-power before selling it off in a foreign neighbouring country. Where is it?? I want it back. Kesian M6...

• 3rd train: Police investigations + Lawyers + Recalls of that Friday. Thank you to Aunty Ummi and Uncle Shukri who are helping to speed up police investigations - unfortunately in Malaysia if urgency is in play, you would need to have strong cables. My mum is still friends with her mum even though we are no longer friends, alhamdulillah. Lawyers - fortunately Aunty Dina is helping to push the hotel to settle this out of court - assuming the hotel would want to retain its public image. And last but not least, the state of shock we were all in when we found out the car and the key were missing, one hour of being in the state of denial by thinking maybe one of the jockey took the car for a fun ride.

• My deep fear that the hotel will come up with a good defend in avoidance to pay more than a million ringgit for the value of the car itself. After all, it is a hefty million ringgit and not just a thousand. Of course they will be plotting a good case against my dad. This is if they want to proceed with legal battle..of which I wish it would not be.

• Everything is just fuzzy now......then there is the long wait for the anticipated outcome. For any good news.. and for my dad to be ok..again.